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It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.