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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?