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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...