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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face