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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My favorite beer is the next one.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people