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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
Do bees even have knees?
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.