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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.