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I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.