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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life