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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.