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Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.