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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"