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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?