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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...