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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.