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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
The best things in life require no pants.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally