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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....