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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around