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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!