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Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.