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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.