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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!