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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there