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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.