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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Whatever I did to make you hate me, Iād like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".