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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM