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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.