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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass