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Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
Asking me if Iām hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?