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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)