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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.