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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.