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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I`m perfect you adjust.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.