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Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
It should really be called teethpaste.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.