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Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today