Daily Silly Status

My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck

My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.

You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died

I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.

I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.

is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork

I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.

Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.

I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.

Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.

You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`