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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards