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Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.