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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.