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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”