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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.