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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave