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Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.