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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.