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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.