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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?