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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
Bad decisions make good stories.