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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
I drink to make other people interesting
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.