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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Finally got my Bon Jovi Sat Nav working... Wooahh we`re half way there.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane Iām making has lace on it.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.