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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."