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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.