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The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?