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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.