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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.