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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..