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For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?