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If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.