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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.