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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.