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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
Is Nudeism a religion?
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?