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Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.