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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
Who can really hear themselves thinking?