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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.