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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal