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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.