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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...