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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
All milk is breast milk.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.