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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.