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Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
AWESOME!
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.