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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
:): The Bipolar smiley face
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car