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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.