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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Survival rule #1: You go first.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.