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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.