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I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Asking me if Iām hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.