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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.