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I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. Iām always trying to pull a fast one
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...