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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.