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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!