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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.