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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.