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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Save time. See it my way.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.