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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things