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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I make a great second impression.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.