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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
In space they just call it "Jam"
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.