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My wife looks for signs Iām cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Just once Iād like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.