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I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.