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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets