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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!