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More food should come with prizes inside it.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
The word bed looks like a bed.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.