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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!