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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.