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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Better late than pregnant.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!