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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"