Daily Silly Status

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...

Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.

I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.

The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".

I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!

I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.

So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)

I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!

I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.

I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.