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Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.