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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
They should make Vodka ChapStick
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.