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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......