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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!