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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, Iām lucky I eat at all.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s