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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.