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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.