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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.