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According to my nipples, summer is over
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Share this if you are weird and don`t care
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?