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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
No. My hair magically got shorter.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.