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At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...