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When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.