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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
Care less and you’ll stress less.
My life is just one long improvisation.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.