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I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
Does running out of money count as exercise?
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.