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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.