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I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.