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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.