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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
I dream about naps.