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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.