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Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.