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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
I need new swear words.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.