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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.